All-American Burgers
Ingredients:
-Ground chuck, formed into patties
-American cheese (technically “cheese product”), the most orange you can find
-Salt and pepper
-Male confidence
Instructions:
Set up two (2) grills: one operated by a woman who is a professional chef, the other operated by a man who owns a bankrupt roofing company.
Watch as your father-in-law gets a burger prepared by the man because “you know what you're gonna get with him.”
Eat three (3) cheeseburgers so your mouth is too full to argue.
Electoral-College Vegan Dogs
Ingredients:
-Approximately one thousand (1,000) seitan “hot dogs”
-Exactly one (1) person who is going to eat these gross things
Instructions:
In a poorly thought-out attempt at checking the power of the majority, let Rebecca’s smelly vegan boyfriend—named Sparrow, or maybe Falcon?—be responsible for one (1) whole dish.
Try to dupe third-tier friends who continue to post daily pro-Bernie screeds on Facebook into trying the garbage “hot dogs,” after it becomes clear that your dog won't even touch them.
Texas-Style Guacamole
Ingredients:
-2 ripe avocados
-1 red onion
-1-3 white Texans
-1 tomato
-A dash of cayenne, just to give it a little kick—or, as the non-Spanish-speaking Texans say, “make it caliente”
Instructions:
While preparing the guacamole (your standard chopping and mushing), listen to the white Texans talk about how much they love Mexican food and how Texas really has the best Mexican food out there. You haven't had Mexican food till you've been to Texas!
Listen to those same white Texans talk about how excited they are to build a wall to keep out all the Mexicans.
Public-School Vegetables
Ingredients:
-Ketchup
-Salsa
-Mustard? That comes from a seed, right?
Instructions:
Realize too late that you should have made a salad or something to accompany the huge pile of meat and bread that you and your guests will consume.
Pretend that eating two (2) of your three (3) cheeseburgers standing up means that you've already burned off most of the calories.
Listen to your father-in-law talk about how people on welfare should be drug-tested while he has his fourth burger and eighth beer.
Ice-Cream Sandwich or a Rolled-Up Piece of Bologna
Ingredients:
-Nowhere near enough ice-cream sandwiches
-A whole bunch of bologna
Instructions:
Spend months listening to friends talk about how much they love ice-cream sandwiches and how desperate they are to have one.
Run out of ice-cream sandwiches before any of these people can have one.
Offer an alternative, but similar, dessert like a King Cone and then watch these ice-cream-sandwich diehards decide that they refuse to support such a monocratic ice-cream treat. No, they’re going to eat the weird bologna tubes that Gary brought because that’s how much they care. #neverkingcone
Alcohol, Oh, So Much Alcohol
Ingredients:
-9 bottles of wine
-60 beers
-1 water bottle full of vodka, shh
Instructions:
Hide from everyone and drink by yourself.
Take solace in the fact that this election will be over before Thanksgiving.
Go set off some fireworks and listen to your father-in-law talk about the Second Amendment.
https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/the-most-american-recipes-for-your-fourth-of-july-cookout