Updated 2023-11-29

Rule One:  look at the shoes.  If the new co-conspirator is dressed shabby like the rest of you but his or her shoes are neat and well-maintained, they’re a fed.

Rule Two:  if you have a kind of weak, twitchy co-conspirator, and they suddenly introduce a “new guy” who is going to provide the explosives or drive the car or something, the co-conspirator has flipped and the new guy is a fed.

Rule Three: if the new guy is significantly better organized, motivated, or specific than you an your crew of big-talking futon-stains, and moves the discussions from general to specific and vague to particular, the new guy is a fed.

Rule Four:  if the “new guy” is going to provide the most difficult-to-obtain product or service to the conspiracy — like the radioactive material or the plastic explosive or the actual assassination — then the new guy is a fed.

Rule Five: if the person is reading directly from model criminal jury instructions while asking you to explain your position, they are cooperating with the feds [this rule for benefit of Michael Avenatti only]

Rule Six: if the new guy wants you to call the shots on the criminal conspiracy and make the “go” decisions, even though you live with your mother and don’t have a car, the new guy is a fed.

Rule Seven:  if the new guy offers to give you a ride to the conspiracy, the new guy is a fed

Rule Eight:  if the new guy’s whole vibe makes you remark “times are so bad that even Mormons are turning to a life of crime,” the new guy is a fed

Rule Nine: if the new guy gives you a cell phone for conspiracy communications, because you are out of minutes and your mom won’t let you use hers any more, the new guy is a fed

[This is based on an actual case]

Rule Ten:  if the new guy contacts you IMMEDIATELY after you turn 18, or first brings up specifics immediately after you turn 18, the new guy is a fed.

Rule Eleven:  if you’re flat broke, but the new guy offers to trade you the drugs or the gun or whatever needed for the criminal conspiracy in exchange for something you have around the house — say, speakers - the new guy is a fed.