Column: Rudy Giuliani is INNOCENT. (Please ignore the file marked ‘Rudy’s List of Crimes He Did.’)
Federal investigators had the gall to execute a so-called search warrant on the New York City apartment of my hero and close personal friend Rudy Giuliani, America’s mayor and former lawyer to the most honest president we’ve ever had, Donald J. Trump.
Suffice it to say I am OUTRAGED. I am unfamiliar with the case, have not read the search warrant and do not get information from traditional “news sources,” but I can say with 100% confidence this is #JudicialOverreach mixed with #CancelCulture mixed with communist propaganda.
And that’s why I, Rex Huppke, nationally recognized internet attorney (DISCLAIMER: Only legally allowed to practice in outer space), am offering my services to help defend Mr. Giuliani from what I will claim are outrageous allegations cooked up by Hillary Clinton and the winged demon horde over which she rules.
At the heart of Wednesday’s raid on my (hopefully) client’s apartment are allegations he might have engaged in some treason while sweatily galloping across Ukraine in an attempt to dig up dirt on then-presidential candidate Joe Biden and his son Hunter, who once served on the board of a Ukrainian energy company.
Is it true Mr. Giuliani spent time pressing Ukrainian officials to confirm an insidious plot involving the Bidens while also discrediting the widely admired U.S. ambassador to Ukraine, leading to her dismissal? Yes.
Is it also true nothing came of those allegations and, in fact, it appeared Giuliani was the one improperly messing around with U.S. foreign affairs while tilting at windmills and parroting conspiratorial hogwash? Well, sure, that’s true if you’re a sheep who gets news from mainstream sources and not from my award-eligible blog at MurderousBidenCrimeFamilyAllTheTruth.net.
Here’s what I know to be factual:
1) Mr. Giuliani is 100% innocent, and he has, in his possession, all the evidence anyone needs to prove the Clintons, the Bidens and the Obamas are part of a global conspiracy to prevent more than two people from subscribing to my blog.
2) I have seen no evidence to prove item No. 1, but I trust my gut, so it must be true.
3) Hunter Biden is guilty of unimaginable crimes, and because he is the son of the current president, Joe Biden must step down and allow President Trump to return for a second term.
4) I have seen no evidence to prove item No. 3, but I trust my gut, so it must be true.
Seems pretty clear-cut. And since what I believe is 1,000% factual and what the feds allege against my soon-to-be client, Mr. Giuliani, is 1,000% unfactual (don’t you DARE tell me that’s not a word, liberals, if I believe it’s a word then it’s word!) then good ol’ Rudy is as innocent as the day is long.
That said, there are some items I believe the feds may have removed from my (sort of) client’s apartment, and I would like those items returned posthaste.
The first is a file labeled “Rudy’s List of Crimes He Did.” That file is inadmissible and he was just joking around and please do not open it and review the contents, as that would be Cancel Culture run amok.
There is also a receipt from an adult book store located next to Four Seasons Total Landscaping in Philadelphia. That receipt is immaterial and we would appreciate it if you would shred it immediately and also it’s not his receipt, someone just left it in his apartment, probably.
Mr. Giuliani sees no reason why you took possession of his 55-gallon drum of Ukrainian hair dye or the 37 burner phones and the small assortment of human fingers he stored inside the drum.
The remaining items you might have come across include: 5,300 unread copies of Donald Trump Jr.’s book “Triggered”; 17,552 unused doses of hydroxychloroquine; and a shrine to Donald Trump made entirely of empty red wine bottles and Post-it notes reading, “I was mayor on 9/11.”
As long as federal agents return all they wrongfully removed from Mr. Giuliani’s apartment as part of this outrageous and unethical Witch Hunt, we will reconsider our plan to sue the FBI for 13,892,955,000 hryvnia. (Yes, that is Ukrainian currency, and if you suggest anything untoward about that we will sue you for even more.)
We must swiftly move past this unpleasantness so Mr. Giuliani can resume his podcast and continue insisting the 2020 presidential election was stolen by European socialist antifa-vampires who controlled the minds of voters through hypnosis.
My gut tells me his theory is absolutely right.
rhuppke@chicagotribune.com
Rex Huppke writes a humor(ish) column. He is considered (by himself) to be America’s most-beloved columnist, though there is no empirical evidence of that.
